Zines/phrack/36/9.txt

                                ==Diet Phrack==

                 Volume Three, Issue Thirty-Six, File 9 of 11

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 |                                THE MEN FROM                               |
 |                        M   M OOOOO N   N GGGGG OOOOO                      |
 |                        MM MM O   O NN  N G     O   O                      |
 |                        M M M O   O N N N G  GG O   O                      |
 |                        M   M O   O N  NN G   G O   O                      |
 |                        M   M OOOOO N   N GGGGG OOOOO                      |
 |                                                                           |
 |                               -*- present -*-                             |
 |                                                                           |
 |                             +-----------------+                           |
 |                             | Real Cyberpunks |                           |
 |                             +-----------------+                           |
 |                                                                           |
 |    9/24/91                                                                |
 |                                                                           |
 |    With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have|
 |a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around      |
 |blackening the name.  In response to this we'd created this g-file so      |
 |everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks.  Most of these     |
 |wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say,  |
 |because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to  |
 |them.  Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file       |
 |describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks   |
 |don't get upset over something written in a g-file.                        |
 \---------------------------------------------------------------------------/

                                   CLOTHING

     - Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo-
       futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit.

     - Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored
       Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts,
       and kilts (on formal occasions).

     - Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe"
       clothing section at Sears.

     - Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops.
       Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at
       a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU.

                                   COMPUTERS

     - Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s.

     - Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s.

     - Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can
       get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s).

     - All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat,
       or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup
       machine.

     - Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA.

     - Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language.

     - Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy.

     - Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge.

     - Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made.


                                     CARS

     - Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford.

     - Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle.

     - Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket
       launcher targets.

     - Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction
       in their area.

                                     TECH

     - All real cyberpunks have their ham license.

     - Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor.

     - Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local
       surplus store.

     - Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there
       because it's convenient.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before
       principle.

     - Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is.

     - Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is.
       Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at
       least once.

     - Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR.
       Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for
       free.

                                POLITICS & LAW

     - Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in
       that bullshit.

     - Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians.

     - Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues.

     - Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of
       Independence and The Constitution.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say.

     - Real cyberpunks don't get caught.

                                   KNOWLEDGE

     - Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather
       Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer
       Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in
       their area.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in
       these publications.

     - Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks.

     - Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows.

     - Real cyberpunks know how to spell.

     - Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages.

                                    WEAPONS

     - Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons
       that most modem users seem to have.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful
       equipment.

     - Real cyberpunks own at least one gun.

     - Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco
       blades.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but
       costs too much.

     - Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book.

     - Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit.

     - Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt
       Saxon.

     - Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is.

                                     MUSIC

     - Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can.

     - Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the-
       closet homosexuals.

     - Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul.

     - Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a
       reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles.

     - Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks.

     - Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The
       Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc.

     - In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want.

                              PHREAKING & HACKING

     - Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because
       they put pragmatism before principle.

     - Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means.

     - Real cyberpunks use data-taps.

     - Real cyberpunks have Internet access.

     - Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house.

     - Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means.

     - Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an
       asshole.

     - Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway
       Hacker are.

     - Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for.

     - Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and
       know how to use it.

     - Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21.

     - Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat.

     - Real cyberpunks have a payphone.
       Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else.

     - Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600
       meeting.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600
       meeting don't go to them anymore.
       Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another
       OSUNY meeting.
       Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood
       for.

                                    HEALTH

     - Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are.

     - Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants.

     - Real cyberpunks take care of themselves.

     - Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get
       some exercise.

                                 FOOD & DRINK

     - Real cyberpunks drink Jolt.
       Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags.

     - Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 -
       Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible.

     - Real cyberpunks know how to cook.

     - Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout.

     - Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own.

     - Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost.

     That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become
lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon.

                                       Yours truly,
                                       The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91
                                       :OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
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